The Best Social Skills Books

Communication Skills

As We Speak by Peter Meyers and Shann Nix

as we speak book cover

  • It only takes 7 seconds for an audience to evaluate if they should give their attention to you. 
  • Don’t assume that your listeners will be readily interested in what you have to say. Connect with their needs to engage them so that you can make an impact on them. 
  • Because decision-making takes place in the right side of the brain, which controls emotions, humor, and creativity, we need to use stories in order to influence people. 

Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et al.

  • The best way to handle a situation where people shy away from difficult conversations is to face it.
  • People who are highly skilled in the face of difficult and controversial discussions are also more productive in the workplace. They usually have better career prospects, relationships, and even health.
  • The ABC’s for crucial conversations:
    • Agree” where you can.
    • Build” on what others have already said with more relevant information.
    • Compare” your path with theirs.

Conversational Intelligence by Judith Glaser

conversational intelligence book cover

  • Human relationships and the culture of a place are all built on conversations.
  • Conversational Intelligence (CI) functions on 3 increasing levels:
    • I: Questions and answers, sharing information, or making transactions
    • II: Sharing opinions and trying to lead others toward you in “positional” conversations
    • III: Listening and communicating in order to “transform and shape reality together.” Trust is key here.
  • People get stuck in Level 1 conversations when some of them are closed-minded and keep giving instructions or advice.
  • When people are trapped in Level 2 conversations, it means they got caught up with being “right.” 

Do You Talk Funny? by David Nihill

Do You Talk Funny book cover

  • You can use and should use humor to build rapport.
  • Effective comedy is the result of both practiced material (what you’re saying) and delivery (how you’re saying it).
  • The best way that we learn and remember things is through stories. People invest in you and your stories more than in your product or business. The more personal and relatable you are, the better.
  • Apply the “Joke Funnel” by starting as wide as possible with a general topic then going deeper with specifics as you connect it to your personal story.

How to Start a Conversation and Make Friends by Don Gabor

How to Start a Conversation book cover

  • Each time you open a conversation, apply the SOFTEN technique:
    • Smile
    • Open arms
    • Forward lean
    • Touch (e.g., a friendly handshake)
    • Eye contact
    • Nod
  • Ask open-ended questions instead of yes-or-no questions to keep conversations flowing. You will also learn more about the other person in the process.
  • Be a friend yourself and you will make more friends.
  • Try to explore ideas outside of yourself that can make you connect more deeply with others.  

Humble Inquiry by Edgar H. Schein

Humble Inquiry book cover

  • “Telling” instead of “Asking” stifles relationships. It is often an indication that you see others as incompetent and that you are the expert.
  • Asking others for their input is empowering. It gives way to long-term and growing relationships.
  • If someone has something you need, you can practice “humble inquiry” by asking for help. If you don’t, you miss out on the opportunity.

Just Listen by Mark Goulston

Just Listen book cover

  • Listening and openness often win over logic.
  • Excessive arguments and defense of your personal stand will only harbor resistance instead of cooperation, consideration, and, ultimately, agreement.
  • Pose the “impossibility question” to move others into your ideas, goals, and viewpoint.
  • Allow people to vent when they are overwhelmed or stressed. Encourage them to tell you more. Just be there to listen until they are in a lighter state.

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

Nonviolent Communication book cover

  • “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication” (NVC) is interpersonal connection “from the heart” with no judgment. It is built on 4 components:
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs
    • Requests
  • Other people are stimuli for negative feelings, not the cause. 
    • When we isolate negative emotions from the people that stimulated them, we save our relationships and we get to address the right things.
  • Repetitive judgmental messages can hinder us from seeing clearly our needs and feelings.
    • We have to change them into empowering words and actions that can shift our situation. 

Secrets of Dynamic Communication by Ken Davis

Secrets of Dynamic Communication book cover

  • Focus is what makes speeches and presentations powerful.
  • Identify your why for giving a speech. After that, break it down into specifics through the SCORRE method:
    • Subject
    • Central theme
    • Objective
    • Rationale
    • Resources
    • Evaluation
  • Without the skill of improvisation, even your most touching story would not create an impact.

The Comic Toolbox

The Comic Toolbox book cover

  • “3D Joke” – A joke works if it
    1. tells the story
    2. tells the joke, and
    3. tells the truth. 

The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

The Fine Art Of Small Talk

  • Masters of small talk are able to make others warm up, ease up, and feel acknowledged.
  • Assume the “burden” of initiating a conversation.
    • Go out of your comfort zone and make eye contact, smile, extend your hand, and introduce yourself.
  • Treat unfamiliar social situations like a job interview.
    • Come prepared with “interviewing questions” to keep conversations flowing and to prevent awkward silences.

The Seven Levels of Communication

The Seven Levels of Communication book cover

  • The missing key when your prospects are not buying and your sellers are not motivated is your sense of urgency, not theirs.
  • To keep a conversation going, ask about the person’s FROG:
    • Family
    • Recreation
    • Occupation
    • Goals 
  • Care like everyone’s the steady-type, smile like everyone’s the social-type, prepare like everyone’s a perfectionist, and sell like everyone’s the dominant-type.
  • If you’re thinking about yourself more, you will hesitate to make a sales call. If you’re thinking about helping and filling a need, you will easily pick up the phone and make the sale. 
  • It is the person asking the most questions who controls the conversation, not the person talking the most.

Becoming Likable/Charismatic

Admired by Mark C. Thompson & Bonita S. Thompson

Admired book cover

  • Identify the people whom you want to impress the most (Most Valuable People / MVPs) in every possible way.  
  • Find out what your MVPs admire in a leader, a brand, or a friend, and start resembling those traits to get their admiration.
    • Understand that everyone sees value differently.
  • Always find a common ground with others.
  • The level of your engagement is directly correlated to the meaningfulness of your job.

Charisma on Command

Charisma on Command book cover

  • Interacting with all kinds of people on a human level, not on the basis of their status or position, will make them open up and lighten up.
    • Doing this constantly will also improve your energy, confidence, and sense of freedom.
  • In everything you do, conviction is critical. What you think, say, and do will reveal your level of integrity.
  • Choose to be an energy uplifter, not an energy sucker.
    • Charisma is about bringing out positivity with what you say and how you say it.
  • Charismatic presentation is all about harmonizing body language and eye contact that engage and draw in people.

The 11 Laws of Likability by Michelle Tillis Lederman

The 11 Laws of Likability book cover

  • When you like yourself, you won’t feel a need to project a false image in any situation. You will be confidently and genuinely yourself during social events.
  • The way people see you is a reflection of how you see yourself.
  • Think well of yourself even when you experience setbacks.
  • People receive the energy you emit. This can affect your connection either positively or negatively.
  • You can find out the kind of energy you are emitting by asking at least 5 people from various areas of your life how they would describe your mood or personality. 

The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane

The Charisma Myth book cover

  • Anyone can be charismatic. All it takes is mastering certain non-verbal behaviors that give us charisma.
  • Charisma begins in the subconscious mind. When you imagine yourself as charismatic person, your body language will follow. 
  • Even a 5-minute conversation can build a bond.  Give your full attention and let others feel important.
  • Charisma is the combination of power and warmth. You cannot have charisma without having both.

The Like Switch by Jack Schafer

the like switch book cover

  • Vocally acknowledge and compliment others. This will make them see you as a friend and feel good with you.
  • A thriving partnership is built on the principle of C.A.R.E.:
    • Compassion (offering kind words and a helping hand)
    • Active listening (giving attention to what they are saying)
    • Reinforcement (giving acknowledgement when they do something well)
    • Empathy (understanding how they feel and actually caring about it)
Powerful Strategy to Influence People - from an FBI Agent

Counterintuitive Ways to get people to Like You - from the Like Switch by Jack Schafer

People Skills

Be a People Person by John C. Maxwell

Be a People Person book cover

  • Identify the qualities of people that you are drawn to and develop the same in you. What do you usually look for and enjoy in others?
  • To be a people magnet, be appreciative of others
  • Have the habit of making others feel good about themselves, rather than making them feel good about you.
  • People perform poorly under a spirit of criticism. An effective leader acknowledges others’ accomplishments. They believe in their potentials, think the best, and express the best in them.
  • A win-win scenario is where you help others succeed. Their success also becomes your success.

Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards

Captivate book cover

  • Practice keeping your hands visible to show others that they can trust you.
    • Humans have a primitive instinct to check whether others’ hands are holding or hiding a weapon. 
  • Eye contact sparks the production of oxytocin, the trust and bonding hormone.
    • Use it as a way of telling someone that you’re an ally and that you respect them.
  • In social events, place your focus on your strengths and on the people that matter to you.
    • You don’t have to please or adjust to everyone.
  • As much as possible, only go to social situations where you’re comfortable. Faking your way through events that drain you is not useful.  

Click by Rom and Ori Brafman

Click book cover

  • A study found that couples who experienced “love at first sight” had a more passionate relationship–even after 25 years of marriage. This also applies in friendships.
  • People perform more effectively and cohesively in the company they click with.
    • They easily understand each other even without much effort or words.
    • They are also able to discuss difficult matters constructively.
  • Lasting friendships and relationships often result from a display of vulnerability. When you share emotions, fears, and intimate information, it becomes easy for others to also open up to you.  

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence book cover

  • In achieving success, 2 of the most fundamental psychological skills are:
    • delaying gratification
    • handling impulses
  • Elite players those who are able to stand pressure and regulate their emotions.
    • They don’t let external situations dictate their emotional state, and this leads them to perform at their best.
  • To achieve self-awareness (also known as meta-cognition), be above the flow of your experiences rather than being carried away by them.
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Everyone Communicates Few Connect by John Maxwell

Everyone Communicates, Few Connect book cover

  • Develop your skill in building individual relationships where “90% of all connecting” is taking place.
  • To truly connect, help, and earn others’ trust, take your focus off yourself. From there, grow your connections within groups and then to an audience.
  • Get on people’s side to influence them to your side. Let them know that you are helping them promote their agenda.

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends & Influence People book cover

  • You will make a lot more friends in 2 months being interested in them rather than in 2 years trying to make them interested in you.
  • Good conversationalists are great listeners.
    • Give others the gift of your full attention and allow them to talk about themselves.
  • Talking in terms of others’ interest, not yours, is the way to their hearts. You get to see the world from their eyes and learn something new in the process.
How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Summary - Animated Book Review

Improve Your Social Skills

Improve Your Social Skills book cover

  • Social anxiety, which is an unfounded fear, can be overcome with:
    • practice
    • growth mindset
  • The first step to defeating social anxiety is understanding the difference between physical fear (activated fear system without any real danger) and true fear (when something in your environment is truly dangerous).
  • Out of thousands of kinds of expressions, you only need to understand comfort and discomfort.
    • With this awareness, you can assess every interaction and adjust accordingly.
    • You will know whether to cut a conversation short or to keep going.
  • Be more concerned with what you can do for others rather than what they can do for you.

People Buy You by Jeb Blount

People Buy You book cover

  • People buy for their reasons, not your own.
    • Get them to buy you on their terms. Selling on the basis of why they should like you can backfire on you.
  • People who succeed in business are constantly on the lookout for problems they can solve, even though it’s outside of the nature of their business. 
  • The deeper you connect, the more others become comfortable sharing with you about their real problem. This gives you more opportunity to contribute solutions.
  • A solved problem is the most important lever in the People Buy You philosophy. It is the value that people pay for.
  • Make it an imperative to create positive emotional experiences for others, no matter how little they may be. Surprise them with handwritten notes or birthday greetings. Do the unexpected and they will remember you positively.

People Skills by Robert Bolton, PhD

People Skills book cover

  • People get lonely not because they are alone but because they don’t communicate well.
  • Without acknowledging the need for better communication skills, your communication would be full of obstacles. The 2 major roadblocks:
    • Judging
    • Sending solutions
  • “Good advice” are rarely empowering because they tend to disregard others’ intelligence and creativity.
  • More than just a physical sense, listening is a psychological engagement with others.
    • If practiced further, it will be more effective with the skills of attending and following (up).
  • Being reflective, not reactive, is the way to discern another person’s real message. Listen for the feeling, not just to the words.

Power Relationships

Power Relationships book cover

  • Let go of the urge to impress others and instead aim for meaningful two-way conversations.  
    • It’s only through give-and-take conversations that strong relationships can be built.
  • Your relationships with the most unexpected people can turn out to be your most life-changing ones.
    • Seek out those who don’t share much similarities with you and establish a connection with them.
    • Find out what moves them and what interests them.
  • Always assume that others have positive intentions. 
    • People are most likely to reciprocate trust and confidence in you when you fully extend the same towards them.
  • Trust is built by consistent behavior, not words. 

Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Social Intelligence book cover

  • Reading others’ feelings accurately is a crucial aspect of social intelligence. It helps you respond appropriately in social situations.
  • Rather than making assumptions, try to understand more deeply why others feel the way they do. 
  • Parents should be less protective of their children and encourage them to try new experiences. 
  • Caregivers who put social intelligence to practice on a daily basis are at greater risk of infections and weak immune system. It is important to reach out to friends and neighbors for help.

The Art of People

The Art of People book cover

  • People matter more than anything in your life in general. They can make a huge difference between an average life and a great life.
  • At the core of the art of people is self-awareness. Understand yourself well first and then it will be easy to understand others.
  • People fall into different categories. Are you a leader, a follower, or a people-pleaser? Find out where you fit and establish yourself in that.
  • Make active listening a habit. The more you truly care about what the other person is saying, the more you’ll understand and the stronger your relationships will become.
  • Create your own advisory board of 7-11 individuals who can help you reach your goals.
    • Have at least 50% of it made up of people you already know and a minimum of 2 persons that you only have mutual connections with.
    • Set regular meetings and compensate them.

The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier

The Coaching Habit book cover

  • Coaching in the workplace has been found to be hardly of any value to most employees.
    • Most managers themselves lack quality training.
  • A daily coaching habit is possible. It only takes 10 minutes, or even less, to coach someone.
  • Coaching can sustain you and free yourself from the most common challenges that weigh managers down such as:
    • Overdependence
    • Overwhelm
    • Disconnection
  • It’s more important to ask essential questions than to give advice. The book suggests 7 essential questions to guide people to solutions.
    • The first question–“what’s on your mind?”–sets the tone for a focused conversation and an effective coaching.

The Power of Who by Bob Beaudine

The Power of Who book cover

  • Successful people ask for help.
  • Your “who” network is composed of people who inspire you and save you from any negative self-talk.
    • Establish this group and allow them to help you. Make them your catalysts that can accelerate your growth and success.
  • Come up with 100 people for your “who” and 40 things for your “what” (the things you want to accomplish in life).
  • Giving and gratitude are top reasons for happiness. Your network constantly deserves these two.

What Every Body is Saying by Joe Navarro

What Every Body is Saying book cover

  • Nonverbal cues  make up 60-65% of our interpersonal communication. They are a more reliable way of transmitting information.
  • Even two persons who don’t speak the same language can instantly become friends just through body language.
  • The most common mistake people make when reading others is relying heavily on facial expressions. This is because it’s easy to change expressions.
  • The most honest parts of our bodies are our feet and legs. Their involuntary movement is easy to notice and affects the rest of the body, so be on the lookout for them.

Winning with People by John Maxwell

Winning With People book cover

  • There are 5 factors that determine your character and worldview:
    • Genetics
    • Self-perception
    • Life experiences
    • How you interpret the past
    • Your acquaintances and friends
  • Cultivate your relationships as though tending a garden.
    • Keep them healthy through constant communication.
    • Renew them whenever needed.
  • The reason customers quit buying a product is usually the service, not the price.
  • Take time to reassess your perceptions of yourself and your business.

Social Confidence

How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds by Nicholas Boothman

How-to-make-people-like-you book cover

  • You have 90 seconds or less to make an impression on a stranger.
    • Your priority is to establish commonality; you cannot expect to connect with the person right away.
  • Practice the “art of synchronizing” by mirroring the person’s nonverbals (tone and body language) subtly, not blatantly. Eventually this goes naturally and the other person will start feeling a connection with you.
  • Take experiences of rejection constructively.
  • Relationships that last a long time are the ones built on rapport, mutual interests, and trust. 

How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less by Nicholas Boothman

How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less book cover

  • Charming people are those who are confident and comfortable with looking in the eye of others the first time they meet. 
  • Eye contact is the foundation for all social skills. When properly used, along with smiling, it can elicit deep rapport and sexual intimacy.
  • To increase your desirability, give the impression that you are rare and worth pursuing. Then increase your “value” in the early stages of a formed relationship.
  • No matter what social situation you are in, seek out opportunities to honestly say “me too.” It gives off the impression that you’re sharing common ground with others. It’s also a good way to go deeper in conversations and connection.

How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

How-to-Talk-to-Anyone book cover

  • Successful people are are not necessarily the smartest, most attractive, or highly educated ones in the room–they are those who get along well with others. 
  • Excellent salespeople observe and get a feel of others’ mood before talking to them, and then match their words with it.
  • When answering calls, begin by being professional and then move to a lighter and happy demeanor when person on the other line identifies themselves.

Trust

The Speed of Trust by Stephen Covey

Speed of Trust book cover

  • Even the little things you do for your personal projects say a lot about your credibility.
    • Observe your behavior when it comes to meeting goals.
  • The difference between low-trust and high-trust organizations can be seen in their structure and culture.
    • The low-trust group leans toward bureaucracy and politics.
    • The high-trust group encourages collaboration, innovation, and creativity among all its members.
  • Treat incidences of broken trust as an opportunity to build a higher level of trust. Start by repairing your self-trust.

The Trust Edge by David Horsager

The-Trust-Edge book cover

  • A strong culture of trust triples the profit levels of companies that apply it compared to those with low trust.
  • Trust is built on 8 “pillars:”
    • Clarity
    • Compassion
    • Character
    • Competency
    • Commitment
    • Connection
    • Contribution
    • Consistency
  • Don’t let preconceived notions take over when building trust. Just focus on the impact of the bond you are establishing. 
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