Big Ideas

Our lives are run through stories we create – Your story will be your destiny

Process:

  1. Identify the current story
    • Wrap your arms around the truth
    • Be open to the reality
    • How is this hurting you?
    • Is this an inspirational story?
    • Most people are not aware of their private voice
    • Victim mindset is one of the worst.
    • Write out the old story – labeling it as such
  2. Fix the story
    • Reach inside and connect to your best self
    • Your private voice can become your coach
  3. Re-write the story
    • Cursive writing of the new story
    • Rewrite new story –  6  iterations over 90 days
    • History will be kind to me because I intend to write it. – Churchill
  4. Indoctrinate yourself in the new story
  5. Align with your mission and create rituals to amplify it

 

Speaker 1: Just tell us a quick story on the genesis of how this book came about. What was the trigger? What made you write this book?

Speaker 2: You know my life I’ve really sat and listened to literally hundreds and hundreds of stories of people.  And I began to realize I was very interested. I was a student of perceptual psychology and I was always fascinated by the real world versus our perception of the real world and I began to realize that people’s stories, their interpretation of what’s happening was really the basis upon which they way they ran their lives and their stories may be completely a misalign with the real world.

 

So I said you know I think it’s important for people to understand that there is a real world out there and then there is our version of the real world and that becomes our story and to the extent that our story is not aligned with what’s really out there we’ve got serious trouble. So I wanted to write a story that would help people realize that what you believe to be real may not be real it all and it’s very scary for people to come like that.

 

But you know we have, this brain that we have this magnificent neural processing system. It’s getting so much data filtering in through these senses the right now you’re getting a lot of auditory and visual data and the system has to integrate that data crunch that data and make sense with what’s already in the processing system. So the system has to decide what to purge what to get rid of what actually is good information and what should be thrown out in some future time or in some way of changing the story and the fact is that you may have all kinds of faulty information already in there from parents from all kinds of other biases and you continue to interpret the world through those lenses and your story gets increasingly dysfunctional and you can’t figure out why your world doesn’t work because you don’t see the same world other people see.

 

So I said I’m going to write this book to help people understand that our story is how we operate. We are basically storytellers. But our stories can get so dysfunctional because they drift away from the truth and this is very hard for people to face.

 

Speaker 1: Absolutely it’s, it is amazing how the stories run our lives all the way to our deaths and we don’t even realize how much control they have over the way we think, the way we act the way we believe. Even our values and our principles everything gets guided gets filtered through those things without our realization. It’s tough.  And let’s jump into the book. Would you please give the listeners like an overview of the whole book like a ten thousand feet overview of how the book is laid out and what to expect from the book and then we’ll get into the details.

 

Speaker 2: Yeah the book is really about how, our lives are basically run through stories and something happens and you immediately form a story around it. Whether your version of that story was real or not, or consistent with the truth. That’s your reality and you’re going to function on that basis. So the book is about how easily distorted, how easily twisted our sense of reality can become, and there’s a huge price for that. I mean we could live in a fantasy land but it almost always comes back faulty stories always have a faulty ending and you know the thing that I began to realize that whatever story you have, will probably be your destiny.  And if you don’t realize the power of story you may discount because you believe that your story is the real world and I’m always trying to tell people wait a minute this is simply the way your brain has crunched the data.

 

This is not necessarily you don’t have direct contact with the real world you have data coming into your senses and it’s already purging stuff that isn’t consistent with what’s already in there. So if you have biases and distortions. You’re never ever going to get them fixed unless you’re willing to hold a lot of these statements, a lot of these conclusions in some kind of temporary form until you take a look at them more closely.

 

So let’s just say you make the assumption you hear your story is I hate to exercise. I’m never going to exercise, exercise is not something that I can ever get involved with because I hate it and I don’t think it’s necessary when you probably go to your probably go to your death with that unless something comes in that completely shatters that story but you could change that story and that’s what we do at the institute. This book is about how do you confront the stories that are dysfunctional and how do you create a new story that frees you to give you a chance whether it’s around weight, whether it’s around happiness and health, about positivity, about people, about marriage, about children, about you know all the challenges you face as an entrepreneur.

 

Everything that happens you create a story around it and so we ask people to start looking very carefully, very deliberately at how they craft stories and we have a whole task that you try to follow before you come to conclusions and that may take you so far off track. How do you check your stories make sure that they have all the basic elements that are going to work for you as opposed to absolutely take you in directions that are tragic at the end in many cases. So I mean we have a whole series of guidelines around what makes a great story.

 

Speaker 1: Yeah, so in this book you go about first explaining why the stories that we have as they exist today could be very dangerous to our existence and then like the book is laid out in a way that first you say okay well let’s identify your current story. And now let’s identify the challenges with the current story. The problems that are existing the current story, the falsities the non-truths that are there and then let’s go and fix these truths and let’s go and write a story that is way more empowering to us, right?

 

And let’s talk about how we go about fixing our story and then we’ll talk about how to write a new story so. So what are the ways in which we can fix a story because you know if you’re living in our own world we’re living in this little world we’re limited to what we’re thinking and we are limited to what we’re thinking no matter what happens. And our cognition our abilities might be challenged in the way that we cannot think past our current paradigms.

 

Speaker 2: Well first of all it’s often very threatening to even examine the fact that your stories are flawed that you don’t even want to accept that. That the story you have around a particular person, the story you have around your intelligence, the story you have around a friend of yours who seems to always let you down, a story around your tendency to drink too much, the stories they go on and on and on. These are often times very hard for people to confront.

 

And yet when you look at them the first thing you look is through the lens of reality is this absolutely true. Do you not have the ability to exercise you have is it impossible for you to ever learn to want exercise or to confront the fact that you’re drinking too much that you are you know you’re not paying attention to your kids and spouse enough that you said you’ve done a great job but the fact is you’re not doing a great job.

 

And so the first thing is try to wrap your arms around the truth and we get as much input there as possible we use three sixty assessments get other people to weigh in and we ask you to be open to the reality that this might be a flawed assumption that you’re making and then we have them look at this statement and to what extent does this lead to negative consequences.

 

You know does this really what is the consequence of having this belief system this to extrapolate this for the rest of your life where is this going to take you can you get where you want to go with this story, with this version of reality it’s extremely limiting and it just makes you, there’s no way you can go with this limited it with this limited story or this really self-defeating story. And then we also, most stories for them to be great have to be inspirational. Does this inspire you to do something bigger and better in your life and flawed story almost always has consequences in terms it’s not very inspirational it’s very limiting.

 

Is this something that you developed or did you get this kind of almost by osmosis from others from your parents who had a flawed story around this and maybe you were taught from teachers that you just will never ever make anything of yourself because you’re not that smart and so you’ve come to believe that. And now you hold that in everywhere you go that story permeates everything you do. So your confidence is always a little bit fragile you tend to be afraid to kind of step up and offer your suggestions around things because you really feel that they’re probably not that valuable and you see this in very successful people in businesses that they have stories that have actually limited them tremendously.

 

They have so much more potential than their stories have allowed them to actually confront. And so, we look at the basic elements of a great story and we have them look at the major stories in their life and the most important story you’ll ever tell is the story you tell about yourself to yourself, and the master storyteller is your private voice. So we start educating the private voice on how do you become a better storyteller. What are the rules of engagement when you start crafting your version of reality? Particularly when it comes to things that matter.

 

People have no idea the power of their private voice. This is really to the most powerful part of a person is the voice no one ever hears that’s inside your head that starts getting formed as early as five and six years of age. So we do enormous amount of work trying to help educate that private voice to become more a positive force to educate you and to speak to you the way a great coach would speak to you to build confidence and belief to get you in touch with reality and to inspire you to do things that you never really dream were possible for you. So the private voice is a very big part of this book.

 

Speaker 1: Okay, so let’s just talk about the negative stories the current existing stories we’re telling ourselves. Is it true? It’s my It’s at least my understanding the way I have seen this so often with aspiring entrepreneurs with starting entrepreneurs the biggest challenging story that we have is usually a victim story. We fall, we find ourselves being a victim to something or another.

 

There’s a wall somewhere that we cannot climb but you know it could be it could be that you cannot exercise because of this and this reason or you cannot make this breakthrough with this customer because of this reason or you cannot get into that market because it’s whatever it is or my wife doesn’t listen to me or my husband doesn’t listen to me. It’s always a victim mindset that’s the biggest element of the most challenging stories. Is that somewhat true?

 

Speaker 2: Victimhood is tragic and it’s very easy when you’re in a very high stress arena where you’ve gotten a lot of no’s to begin to believe that you’re a victim of your circumstances and there’s not much you can do. That is a story that will lead to nothing but failure. So when you start to realize that your private voice is crafting this victimhood version of your life you need to call it out and what we’ve learned the best way to change a story is through cursive writing.

 

The book is all about the power of handwriting to change this area of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. We’ve experimented with everything from visualization to positive thinking to every conceivable form of kind of mental training and we found that actually cursive writing has the most powerful imprint and if you want to change your story start by writing it down and writing it out in a form that actually works for you.

 

We have you write out your old story in the old kind of very whiny almost immature voice, this voice of victimhood and you write it out and you say is this the voice you want to carry forward in your life and then most people are embarrassed when they read how immature and how fragile and how whiny that voice is. And then we ask them to reach inside and connect to what we call their best self.

 

Speaker 1: So before we go before we go any further Jim let me just make a distinction here so far we’ve been talking about our old story. The challenges with the old story and why we need to change it and the fact that writing it out is really important to get the words out, to get your private voice to start talking to tell you the truth. Once you established the baseline this is where you are, now what you’re saying is we need to develop a new story now let’s attack the story let’s break it down and let’s build a newer story and the process for that is what we’re going to talk about so yeah please go ahead. I just wanted to make sure people are following with us.

 

Speaker 2: Yes so, the first step is really looking at a story that’s dysfunctional, labeling it as such and actually you know kind of tearing it apart, getting it out realizing where the flawed assumptions are and how this leads to nothing but chaos and disorder and a sense of helplessness and so then we say do you want to live with this or can we rewrite a story that takes the truth and works it in a way that actually embraces what the truth is but also encourages new forms of behavior and a new sense of optimism and hope and inspiration.

 

And so you reach inside for this best self. There’s a part of you that’s filled with wisdom. There’s a part of you that actually has a great sense of what should or shouldn’t be done and it’s an amazing area and we spend a lot of time here at the institute kind of resurrecting that part of people and helping them get in touch with it but then it is from there that they write their new story from that space and they write it according to a lot of, we give them a lot of prompts to help them get into….this is a practice on how to get the stories and their life more aligned with their deepest values that work for them and they start confronting how this neural processing system that they’ve kind of taken for granted as reality is actually not always working in their behalf and they’ve got to step up and take control of that and their private voice is the guardian and if they have a very educated private voice.

 

They call themselves on it and I go “no I’m not going there that’s not going to take me anywhere.” And so in a sense that private voice becomes your coach it becomes the most valuable coach you will ever have in helping you see the right alternative, see what’s going on and that will help you know kind of craft a version of all these experiences that actually are not so self-defeating and so debilitating and so we work a lot with that private voice to bring that best self forward in the process of scripting something entirely new. One of my favorite quotes is by Winston Churchill and he said, “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

 

Speaker 1: Yes

 

Speaker 2: And this is the chance you have to write your history and I will tell you people completely freak out when they realize the power this has in their lives. And they start we have them over a ninety day period rewrite that story six times and we’ve done all kinds of things and collected all kinds of data we’re very a research based organization. It seems like six rewrites is the optimal number to kind of complete the conditioning so that the pathways that are being utilized for these particular ideas and thoughts were altering the way these ideas are actually being processed neurologically and it’s actually occurring intentionally through writing.

 

So it takes a while to get these new pathways embedded but one day you wake up and you realize oh my goodness I’ve completely changed how I feel about exercise or all the things that I thought were part of my reality that wouldn’t change and all of a sudden I see I can actually become master of my own fate by changing my stories.

 

Speaker 1: So when we are rewriting the stories are writing it in the past tense, future tense, present tense? Like what are we saying? I work out now because this or in the past that did not work out because these reasons are there but they’re false reasons. What’s the structure here? What’s the mechanism that triggers…

 

Speaker 2: So you’re basically trying to get out what is the current faulty story you have. So you might say I really don’t feel like working out is something I can do, I’ve never worked out, I’ve never felt comfortable in the gym. The idea of going in a gym just makes me want to throw up. I don’t like walking, I’m embarrass to have people see me because I’m too heavy. So you know on and on and on so you just give all of this you know thinking that is really holding you back and get it out if you’re going to get it out to where you can see it.

 

And then the new story is first of all the first thing is the truth is I’ve never been able to exercise before. I’ve always felt embarrass by it but the fact is I really understand now that it’s important for me to overcome these. Because I need to do this to stay healthy so that I’m actually much more of a force with my family and I’m not going to die and leave them you know without a father or a mother. I actually can see that I need to change this belief system and here are my new ways of thinking about it and you just put it down there.

 

So it’s kind of in the present and you face the truth and then you try to spell out what is the new way you want to think about this and you constantly bring that forward every time this issue comes up whether it’s you know around spending time with family or exercising or dieting or whatever else that might be an issue that you think is actually holding you back. Maybe it’s a big issue of confidence. Maybe it’s a big issue that you’re overly arrogant and you can’t deal with people very well so you keep them distant by you know being the dominant force in the room. There are, people having thousand and one different issues that they can deal with and we have classes here at the Institute of twenty five to thirty people and it’s amazing the insights and the changes that people make over the span of ninety days.

It absolutely for me is the most exciting and exhilarating part of my life is to see what people can do who are bound and determined that they can’t change these things and within a few weeks the whole thing shifts and it’s under their own personal control.

 

Speaker 1: And so when we wrote the… we first wrote the past story now we write the new story in the present tense and we write it again and again six times over the ninety day period, maybe every couple of weeks seems like that’s debatable we keep on rewriting almost thinking about it on a daily basis but we rewrite it every couple weeks to get to the point where in ninety days we get a really new story. Now along with that goes action and you talk about rituals and creating rituals and day logs and feedback so tell us a little bit about that.

 

Speaker 2: So you know, in addition to the self indoctrination it’s kind of self brainwashing. They try to get you thinking a new way you know it’s that’s kind of a cognitive piece. There’s also a behavioral piece that actually connects to what you’re doing so let’s say if you’re going to exercise you put your sneakers right next to your bed so when you stand up you can’t get by them without you’re going to go out and exercise put your sneakers on you have your workout gear right there, you have a specific area you’re going to walk to and you time it.

 

You’re going to wear a heart rate monitor maybe and get your heart rate up to a certain level but you develop a series of rituals that are defined very concretely in the real world that help you to get this anchored not just in your head but in the actual physical world. So we learn the value of rituals in sports in almost every area of high performance. You have to have routines we are creatures of routines. About ninety five percent of our behavior is under the control of habit and so we’ve got get you can’t control your life, you can’t control your diet, your exercise with will and discipline you just can’t do it. We don’t have enough. But you can develop habits that kind of have a life of their own.

 

So you have a habit of thinking in a new way and you have a habit of acting and during this ninety days we have you keep a training log just like an athlete that records everything you do and you commit to staying on this for this period of time and it’s quite amazing people… we ask them to just take on one thing at a time not to take on multiple issues they kind of attack one story at a time then to go to the next one in the next one and over the span of a year they can attack many stories but we need the first one to be successful and so defining specific rituals that they will follow habitually until they become automatic and having some kind of accountability that every day you record what you did and didn’t do and that system is what we’ve used here so successfully for multiple decades.

 

Speaker 1: Excellent, so here we have it, we have a complete system as to how to go about attacking the stories that we have and writing the stories and actually taking action on the stories. It’s not a passive system of just writing one day and forgetting about it but it’s a system of constantly reinforcing the message not only through the words but also through our action and that gets us where we want to go.

 

Speaker 2: It’s actually a lot of hard work, a lot of energy investment but it is well worth it and you begin to realize hey I can control my destiny. I’m in control here.

 

Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely and for all of you listening here all of you watching the book Power of Story great exercises great details and stories of how people have done it so I highly recommend the book and thank you Jim for a wonderful description.

 

Speaker 2: Thanks for being here with this and exposing some of these ideas.

 

Speaker 1: Absolutely they changed my life and that’s what I hope they will continue to do for other people as well.

 

Speaker 2: Thank you.


Interview Links

>